my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
