I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
