my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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