hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
