Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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