whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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