This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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