I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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