Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
