Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
