dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
