I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
