Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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