Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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