I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
soo... how was my night?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize