No more Irish car bombs ever.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
