It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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