I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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