you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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