In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
