tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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