i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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