He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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