There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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