I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
