I wish I could punch you in the face.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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