What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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