I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
