So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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