On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
why is half of my head shaved?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
