I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
