We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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