I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
