You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
