I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
