who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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