I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize