He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
