these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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