When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
