She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
