Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Randomize
