Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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