Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
