How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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