In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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