god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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