you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
