I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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