Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
