i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
