I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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