I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
