I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
