nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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