At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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